Sometimes life hits us hard, and when it does, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the emotions that come crashing down. One moment, everything feels normal, and the next, you're lost in a whirlwind of anger and regret, unsure of how you got there or why you're even feeling the way you do. It’s in these moments, when the storm inside you builds up, that you begin to ask yourself questions that seem impossible to answer: Why didn’t I leave sooner? Why didn’t I see the warning signs? Why didn’t I protect myself?
If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you know this inner storm all too well. The anger and tears, often directed at yourself, can feel all-consuming. But the reality is that these emotions are part of the healing process, and it’s important to understand how to work through them. Here’s a deeper look at dealing with anger and tears after narcissistic abuse, including how to be kind to yourself during the recovery journey.
Anger and Tears: Feeling Stupid in the Face of My Own Struggle
It’s a feeling that many of us who have gone through narcissistic abuse know too well: the anger and tears that seem to come from nowhere. Sometimes, the anger isn’t directed at the narcissist or even at anyone else—it’s self-directed. You become angry with yourself for not seeing the red flags earlier, for staying in a toxic relationship for so long, and for allowing the abuse to happen.
I remember my own experience vividly, sitting there, overcome with frustration, and asking myself: How could I have been so blind? How did I not recognize the signs? Why didn’t I leave when I knew something was off? These questions spiraled into more anger, creating a never-ending cycle of frustration. I felt like I had betrayed myself by allowing this to happen. I felt stupid for not taking action when I knew something was wrong, and the weight of that realization hit me hard.
The anger wasn’t just a passing feeling—it consumed me. It felt like a storm inside, building up with every thought of the past, making it hard to breathe. Every time I reflected on the situation, I became more angry at myself for staying, for giving someone the power to manipulate and control me for so long.
But, over time, I began to understand that anger was a natural part of the healing process. It’s a response to the injustice we’ve endured, the wrongs we’ve suffered. And when it’s directed inward, it can be a sign that we need to start rebuilding our self-worth and setting boundaries with ourselves.
The Tears: Letting Go of the Self-Blame
Alongside the anger came tears. The emotional pain was just too much to keep inside, and the tears flowed without warning. I cried not just because I was upset, but because I felt stupid. I cried because I couldn’t forgive myself for allowing someone to treat me so poorly. Each tear felt like it was washing away my self-esteem, leaving behind only regret and guilt.
There were moments when I felt so weak. Why hadn’t I walked away earlier? Why didn’t I see the warning signs? And why, when I finally left, did it still feel like I was failing? The self-blame that accompanied these thoughts felt like an anchor weighing me down.
Crying didn’t help, but it felt impossible to stop. It was as though the tears were trying to wash away all the shame and guilt I had buried deep inside, but no matter how many times I wiped them away, they just kept coming. I felt like I was failing, that somehow I was broken. But as I sat there, in my tears and anger, I began to realize something important: this wasn’t weakness—it was healing.
The tears didn’t mean I was incapable of moving forward. They were a reflection of my vulnerability, of the pain I had endured and the bravery it took to face it. I wasn’t stupid or weak for crying. I was simply processing my grief, my anger, and my loss.
Learning to Be Compassionate With Myself
One of the hardest things I had to learn during this process was how to be kind to myself. When we’re dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, it's easy to fall into the trap of self-blame. We question everything we did, every choice we made, wondering how we didn’t see what was happening or why we didn’t act sooner.
But healing doesn’t come from blaming yourself—it comes from understanding that you did the best you could with the information and strength you had at the time. You weren’t weak for staying. You weren’t foolish for trusting. You were doing what you could with what you knew.
I had to remind myself that healing wasn’t about being perfect—it was about growing and learning. It’s about giving myself the grace to make mistakes and the patience to move forward at my own pace.
Instead of continuing to focus on what I did wrong, I began to focus on what I had learned. I realized that I was stronger than I thought. I had survived. And now, I was in the process of reclaiming my life and my power.
Self-compassion became my greatest ally. I learned to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in the past, to accept that I wasn’t perfect, and to give myself permission to heal in my own time.
Healing Isn’t Instant: It’s Okay to Take Your Time
The road to healing is never linear, and it doesn’t happen overnight. For me, there were days when the anger was too much to bear, and other days when the tears felt endless. Healing takes time, and it can be difficult when we want instant results. We want to be okay right now, to feel better today—but recovery doesn’t work that way.
There will be moments when you think you’ve taken two steps forward, only to feel like you’ve taken three steps back. There will be moments when the anger surges, and there will be days when you feel like you’re drowning in tears. But the key is to understand that this is all part of the process.
Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t just about letting go of the pain—it’s about reclaiming your life, your sense of self-worth, and your peace. It’s about learning to trust yourself again. And that takes time.
It’s important to allow yourself to feel everything you’re feeling—anger, sadness, frustration, and even joy. There is no “right” way to heal, and there’s no set timeline. But each day that you make it through is a victory. Each step, no matter how small, is progress.
You Are Not Stupid, You Are Strong
One of the most powerful lessons I’ve learned through all of this is that feeling angry, frustrated, or sad doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means you’re human. It means that you’ve been through something incredibly difficult and you are still standing. It takes immense strength to heal, and even in your most vulnerable moments, you are showing resilience.
You are not defined by your mistakes or the struggles you’ve faced. You are defined by the strength it takes to keep going. You are stronger than you realize, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
If you’re reading this and you’re going through something similar, I want you to know that you are not alone. It’s okay to feel angry. It’s okay to cry. And it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. Healing is a process, and you are allowed to take it one step at a time.
The Bottom Line: Give Yourself Permission to Heal
We often forget to give ourselves permission to heal. We believe we should be over things quickly, that we should be stronger than we feel. But healing is not about rushing. It’s about giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling, to grieve, and to process. Healing is a journey, and everyone moves at their own pace.
So, give yourself the grace to heal. Allow yourself to feel the anger and the sadness. And know that, in time, the tears will stop, the anger will fade, and you will find peace. You are not weak. You are not stupid. You are healing, and that’s enough.
Remember, you are stronger than you think, and healing is possible. Keep going—your strength and resilience will carry you through.
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