The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a psychological phenomenon where a person forms a deep attachment to an abusive or manipulative individual. This attachment develops despite the harm or toxicity inflicted upon them, creating a cycle of emotional abuse that is incredibly difficult to break free from. The stages of trauma bonding unfold gradually, and often, the person experiencing it doesn't recognize what is happening until they are deeply entangled in the relationship. Let’s break down each stage of trauma bonding:
Stage 1: Love Bombing
- Lean more about my personal experience with love booming here
The relationship begins with what is known as love bombing, a tactic used by the abuser to win over the victim's affection and trust. This stage is marked by overwhelming attention, praise, and affection. The abuser will shower the victim with compliments, gifts, and promises of a future together, making them feel like the most important person in the world. The victim feels deeply seen, understood, and loved, which creates a sense of euphoria.
Love bombing is a deliberate strategy designed to make the victim feel valued and cherished. It fosters a strong emotional bond that makes it difficult for the victim to recognize any potential red flags later on. At this stage, the victim may be blinded by the idealized version of their partner, unable to see past the initial charm and sweetness.
Stage 2: Trust and Dependence
As the love bombing fades, the relationship enters the next stage—trust and dependence. The abuser begins to subtly create a sense of dependence in the victim. They may push for emotional intimacy early on, encouraging the victim to share their deepest thoughts, fears, and vulnerabilities. The victim begins to rely on the abuser for emotional support, feeling that they are the only one who truly understands them.
At the same time, the abuser may start to isolate the victim from friends and family, subtly manipulating them into believing that the abuser is their only source of support. The victim becomes increasingly dependent on the abuser for validation, emotional safety, and comfort. The abuser cultivates a sense of dependency by being there in moments of crisis, while subtly positioning themselves as the only person who can “save” the victim from their problems.
Stage 3: Criticism and Devaluation
Once the victim has become emotionally dependent, the abuser starts to shift the dynamic of the relationship. The sweet and loving behavior gives way to criticism and devaluation. The abuser may begin to criticize the victim’s appearance, intelligence, behavior, or choices, often under the guise of “constructive criticism.”
The victim starts to feel that nothing they do is ever good enough, and they begin to doubt their worth. This phase is often marked by emotional and psychological abuse, such as belittling, sarcasm, or gaslighting. The abuser may use tactics to undermine the victim’s confidence, such as pointing out their flaws or mistakes, while simultaneously making them feel guilty for having these perceived imperfections.
Stage 4: Manipulation and Gaslighting
In the fourth stage of trauma bonding, the abuser intensifies their control by manipulating the victim and engaging in gaslighting. Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation technique where the abuser distorts the victim’s perception of reality. The victim is made to question their own thoughts, memories, and feelings, making them feel confused and disoriented.
The abuser may deny things they said or did, making the victim feel like they are losing their grip on reality. They might twist the victim’s words or actions, making it seem like the victim is at fault for things that aren’t their responsibility. This manipulation creates a toxic environment where the victim begins to doubt their own sanity and feels trapped in a cycle of uncertainty and self-doubt.
For a deeper understanding of gaslighting behaviors and how to protect yourself from manipulation, check out our detailed article on 10 Signs of Gaslighting Behaviors: How to Recognize Manipulation and Take Control.
Stage 5: Resignation and Giving Up
As the emotional manipulation and gaslighting continue, the victim enters the stage of resignation and giving up. At this point, they feel emotionally drained and helpless, often believing that they will never be able to escape the cycle of abuse. The victim may feel like they have no other choice but to accept the behavior of the abuser, believing that things will never improve.
The victim may justify the abuser’s actions, telling themselves that the abuse is their fault or that they somehow deserve it. They may feel hopeless and trapped, with no sense of agency to make changes or take control of the situation. The emotional toll of the relationship begins to take a heavy toll on the victim’s mental health, leaving them exhausted, confused, and resigned to the situation.
Stage 6: Loss of Self
The next stage of trauma bonding is the complete loss of self. The victim becomes so consumed by the emotional abuse that they lose their sense of identity. The abuser has successfully eroded the victim’s self-esteem, making them feel unworthy and incapable of existing outside of the relationship.
In this stage, the victim may begin to lose interest in activities or relationships that once brought them joy. They may become entirely consumed with pleasing the abuser and seeking validation from them, forgetting who they were before the relationship began. The abuser has successfully controlled their victim to the point where they are emotionally and mentally depleted, often feeling like they cannot exist without the abuser's approval.
Stage 7: Emotional Addiction to the Trauma Bond Cycle
The final stage of trauma bonding is emotional addiction to the cycle of abuse. At this point, the victim has become addicted to the emotional highs and lows of the relationship. The intermittent reinforcement of love, followed by criticism, manipulation, and gaslighting, creates a sense of addiction. The victim becomes emotionally hooked to the unpredictable cycle of affection and abuse, craving the moments when the abuser is kind, while also tolerating the cruel behavior.
This addiction is reinforced by the victim’s belief that they need the abuser to feel loved or validated, even if the relationship is toxic. The victim becomes trapped in a cycle of seeking love and approval from the abuser, and no matter how many times they experience pain, they continue to go back to the relationship. They may feel hopeless, but also dependent on the abuser for emotional validation, making it incredibly difficult to break free from the bond.
Breaking Free from Trauma Bonding
Escaping the trauma bond cycle is incredibly challenging, but it is possible. The first step is recognizing the patterns of emotional abuse and understanding that they are not the victim’s fault. Healing begins with regaining self-worth, setting boundaries, and seeking professional help to break free from the manipulation. Support groups and therapy can be valuable resources for victims of trauma bonding, offering a safe space to process emotions and rebuild a healthy sense of self.
Rebuilding after trauma bonding takes time and patience. It involves reclaiming one’s identity, establishing healthy relationships, and learning how to trust oneself again. With support, strength, and a commitment to healing, it is possible to break free from the cycle and move forward into a life of self-love, independence, and empowerment.
Conclusion
The 7 stages of trauma bonding illustrate the insidious nature of emotional abuse and manipulation. The cycle begins with idealization and love bombing, only to shift into criticism, manipulation, and self-doubt. The victim becomes trapped in an emotionally addictive cycle that makes it difficult to break free, often feeling that they cannot live without the abuser. Understanding these stages is crucial for identifying and overcoming trauma bonding, and it provides hope for anyone who is struggling to break free from an abusive relationship.
By recognizing the signs, seeking help, and focusing on self-care, survivors of trauma bonding can reclaim their lives and heal from the emotional scars left by abuse. The journey to recovery may be long, but with support and resilience, it is possible to emerge stronger and more empowered than ever before.
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