Narcissistic abuse—it's something I never truly understood until it happened to me. At first, I didn't even realize what was going on. The manipulation, the emotional control, and the constant betrayal—it all left me feeling lost, confused, and completely shattered. It was a painful realization to come to terms with, but slowly, I started to recognize that I was grieving. It wasn’t just sadness or frustration, but a deep sense of loss that I couldn’t quite understand.
What truly helped me was understanding the five stages of grief, a concept introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. These stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are also relevant when recovering from narcissistic abuse. However, grief isn't a straightforward path. It’s chaotic, and you might find yourself revisiting stages you thought you’d moved past. And that’s completely normal.
When I discovered this, it was a bit of a relief. Suddenly, the rollercoaster of emotions I was feeling started to make sense. The pain wasn’t just random; it was a part of healing. Understanding these stages helped me make sense of my own experience, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But it wasn’t a linear journey, and I had to be kind to myself in every phase.
If you’re reading this, maybe you're also struggling with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. Know that you're not alone, and understanding these stages can be the first step in your healing process.
1. Denial: The First Response to Narcissistic Abuse
When I first started experiencing narcissistic abuse, my mind kept telling me that everything was fine. I kept thinking I was just overreacting, that the things happening were somehow my fault, or that I was just too sensitive. This is a typical response for many who go through narcissistic abuse—denial. In this stage, it’s hard to accept that the person you love or care about is manipulating you.
Denial is a defense mechanism, a way for your mind to protect itself from the overwhelming reality of what’s happening. It might feel like you’re in a fog, unable to see the truth clearly. But eventually, the cracks begin to show, and you start to realize something isn’t right.
How to cope: During this stage, it's important to seek clarity. Start educating yourself about narcissistic abuse and recognize the red flags. Speak to a therapist or trusted friends who can help you see things more clearly.
2. Anger: The Frustration of Being Deceived
Once I moved past denial, I entered a phase of anger. I was furious—not only at the narcissist for their behavior but at myself for not seeing the signs sooner. Anger is a natural response to feeling betrayed and manipulated. When you realize you’ve been emotionally abused, it’s hard not to feel angry at the injustice.
You might be angry at the narcissist for their actions, at others who didn't believe you, or at yourself for staying as long as you did. These feelings are valid, and it’s important not to suppress them. Letting the anger out in a healthy way can be a powerful tool for healing.
How to cope: Express your anger in a constructive way. Writing in a journal, talking to someone who understands, or even engaging in physical activities like running or hitting a punching bag can be therapeutic.
3. Bargaining: Searching for Solutions That Don’t Exist
After the anger subsided, I found myself in a bargaining phase. I wondered if I could somehow fix things, if I could make the narcissist see the truth and change. This phase is common because, as victims of narcissistic abuse, we often hold onto the hope that we can fix the person or the situation. We might find ourselves making deals in our heads—promising we’ll do anything to make the pain stop, even if it means compromising our own needs and values.
The reality is that narcissists don’t change, and no amount of bargaining will bring about the change we desire. This phase can be particularly painful because it’s rooted in unrealistic expectations.
How to cope: Accept that you cannot change the narcissist. Focus on what you can control—your healing and your future. It’s time to let go of false hopes and start prioritizing your well-being.
4. Depression: The Weight of Loss
Once I came to terms with the fact that the relationship was over, the depression set in. I felt the heavy weight of the loss—of the future I had envisioned, the connection I thought we had, and the person I thought I loved. Narcissistic abuse leaves deep emotional scars, and it’s natural to mourn the loss of yourself and the relationship.
Depression during this stage can manifest as sadness, hopelessness, isolation, or a sense of deep emptiness. It's the place where you confront all the damage that’s been done.
How to cope: Reach out for support during this stage. Talk to a therapist, lean on friends, or join a support group for narcissistic abuse survivors. It’s also helpful to engage in self-care practices, even if they feel hard to start. Nourish your body with healthy food, sleep, and physical activity.
5. Acceptance: Embracing a New Beginning
Acceptance is often seen as the final stage, but in my experience, it’s not so much about “moving on” but rather coming to terms with the reality of the situation. In this phase, you begin to accept that the relationship is over, and you’ve been hurt, but you also start to heal. This doesn’t mean that the scars disappear, but it does mean that you’re no longer allowing the past to define you.
For me, acceptance was about reclaiming my power and starting to rebuild my life. It wasn’t easy, but I slowly found a way forward. I focused on my growth and healing, understanding that the abuse no longer had control over my future.
How to cope: Take it one step at a time. Set small goals for yourself, and celebrate your progress. Therapy, self-care, and building new supportive relationships will help you move forward. Most importantly, be patient with yourself—healing takes time.
Final Thoughts
Surviving narcissistic abuse is a process, and it’s a journey that takes time. But knowing that you’re not alone and that healing is possible can bring comfort. The five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are part of this journey. Don’t be hard on yourself if you find yourself cycling through them multiple times. Just remember: healing is not linear, and it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.
If you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, know that your feelings are valid, and your healing is possible. It might be tough, but you can emerge stronger and more resilient than before. Take it one day at a time, and remember: you deserve peace, love, and happiness.
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