What Does the Term "Flying Monkeys" Mean in the Context of Narcissists?

 

Have you ever had someone in your life who just seemed to always have the narcissist’s back, no matter how toxic their behavior? Someone who would spread rumors about you, turn others against you, or defend someone who treated you badly? These people are often referred to as “flying monkeys,” and they play a significant role in the emotional abuse tactics used by narcissists.

But what exactly does it mean to be a "flying monkey"? How do narcissists use flying monkeys, and how can you protect yourself from their influence? In this blog, we’ll explore the meaning of the term "flying monkeys" and the role these individuals play in narcissistic abuse.

Let me take you on a journey of my own personal experience with narcissism, and how I learned to recognize the flying monkeys in my life, so that you can understand how they operate and how to protect yourself from their manipulative grip.

The Origin of the Term "Flying Monkeys"

The term “flying monkeys” comes from the classic 1939 movie The Wizard of Oz. In the movie, the Wicked Witch of the West commands a group of flying monkeys to do her bidding. These monkeys don’t think for themselves; they simply obey the witch’s commands and carry out her evil plans.

When applied to narcissistic abuse, the term "flying monkeys" refers to people who act as enablers or spies for the narcissist. They are the narcissist’s willing minions, often without even realizing that they’re being manipulated. Flying monkeys do the bidding of the narcissist, whether it’s by spreading lies, turning others against you, or creating chaos in your life. They serve as a tool for the narcissist to control, manipulate, and maintain power over their victims.

My Encounter with Narcissists and Their Flying Monkeys

A few years ago, I found myself caught up in a relationship with someone I now recognize as a narcissist. At first, everything seemed perfect—he was charming, attentive, and made me feel like the center of his world. But as time went on, the cracks started to show. He became controlling, emotionally distant, and manipulative. I found myself constantly walking on eggshells, unsure of how to keep him happy.

But what I didn’t realize at the time was that he wasn’t acting alone. He had a network of flying monkeys at his disposal—friends, family members, and even coworkers who would unknowingly assist in his schemes. These flying monkeys were not just passive observers; they actively participated in his plan to control and undermine me.

One of the first instances I noticed was when I confided in a close friend about the difficulties I was facing in my relationship. This friend, someone I had known for years, suddenly started questioning my perception of things. “Are you sure he’s really that bad? He’s always been so nice to me,” she would say. At the time, I brushed it off, assuming she was just trying to be supportive.

But soon, this behavior became more frequent. People who were once close to me began to distance themselves, or worse, started parroting the narcissist’s version of events. Every time I tried to talk about my feelings, the narcissist’s flying monkeys would jump in to defend him, creating confusion and doubt in my mind. “Maybe you’re just being too sensitive,” they would say. “You know how he gets when you push him, right?”

It took me a long time to realize what was happening. These flying monkeys were not simply offering their opinions—they were being manipulated by the narcissist to keep me isolated, gaslighted, and emotionally drained. They were doing his dirty work without even knowing it.

How Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys to Maintain Control

Flying monkeys are a key component in a narcissist’s control tactics. They help the narcissist maintain their sense of power and control by acting as intermediaries. Narcissists will use these enablers to:

1. Spread Lies and Misinformation: Narcissists often use flying monkeys to spread false narratives. If a narcissist wants to isolate their victim or create confusion, they’ll have their flying monkeys tell others lies about the victim. For example, a narcissist might tell a friend, “She’s always overreacting. She’s just crazy,” and the flying monkey will spread this false information to others, further damaging the victim’s reputation.
2. Create Doubt: Flying monkeys are also used to create self-doubt in the victim. A narcissist will manipulate their flying monkeys into questioning the victim’s perception of reality. For instance, they might tell a flying monkey, “I never said that. You know how she is—she makes things up.” This causes the victim to second-guess their memory and their experiences, leading to confusion and emotional instability.
3. Undermine the Victim’s Support System: By using flying monkeys to turn others against the victim, narcissists can isolate them from their support system. The narcissist may encourage their flying monkeys to question the victim’s actions, motives, or integrity, leading others to pull away. This is a classic narcissistic tactic to isolate the victim, leaving them feeling alone and vulnerable.
4. Gaslight the Victim: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist makes the victim doubt their reality. Flying monkeys are often used in this process, as they will repeat the narcissist’s distorted version of events. This reinforces the narcissist’s control over the victim and causes the victim to question their own sanity.
5. Divert Blame: Narcissists often use flying monkeys to deflect blame and avoid accountability. When a narcissist’s behavior is called into question, they will send their flying monkeys to “defend” them, ensuring that they never have to face the consequences of their actions. The flying monkeys may make excuses for the narcissist’s bad behavior, dismissing the victim’s experiences as overblown or unfounded.

The Role of Flying Monkeys in Narcissistic Abuse: A Personal Story

As I continued to navigate my relationship with the narcissist, I began to feel more and more isolated. People I had once trusted began to distance themselves, or worse, actively sided with him. The narcissist’s flying monkeys had successfully created a rift between me and my loved ones.

But the most devastating part was when I realized how deeply the narcissist had manipulated those closest to me. One of the most heart-wrenching moments was when my own family members started to question me. A narcissist’s flying monkeys don’t just stay within the inner circle of friends; they can even extend to family.

I remember a conversation with my mother, who had always been a source of strength for me. She looked at me with concern and said, “Are you sure you’re not just misinterpreting things? He’s always been so nice to us.” At that moment, I felt my heart shatter. It wasn’t just my friends anymore—it was my own family turning against me. I could hardly bear the weight of the disbelief in their eyes.

I began to second-guess everything. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was just too sensitive. Maybe he really wasn’t that bad. The narcissist’s flying monkeys had done their job well—they had me questioning my own reality.

But eventually, something inside me clicked. I began to research narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. I learned that what I was experiencing wasn’t my fault—that I wasn’t crazy. The narcissist had been using his flying monkeys all along to manipulate my reality. I started to distance myself from the flying monkeys, and slowly, I began to rebuild my support system with people who saw through the narcissist’s façade.

How to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys

If you’re dealing with a narcissist and their flying monkeys, it’s important to take steps to protect yourself:

1. Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with the narcissist and their flying monkeys. This may mean limiting contact or cutting ties entirely. Don’t engage in discussions or try to defend yourself to the flying monkeys—they are not interested in hearing your side of the story.
2. Trust Your Reality: Remember that narcissists manipulate others into questioning your reality. Trust yourself and your experiences. Keep a journal of events to help ground yourself in the truth of what’s happening.
3. Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who understand narcissistic abuse and will support you. Find therapy or support groups where you can talk openly and receive validation.
4. No Contact: In extreme cases, the best way to protect yourself is to go “no contact” with the narcissist and their flying monkeys. This means cutting all ties with the narcissist, including blocking their enablers.
5.  Educate Others: If it’s safe to do so, educate people around you about narcissistic abuse. Help them understand the dynamics of flying monkeys so they can see the manipulation for what it is.

 

Conclusion: Breaking Free from Narcissistic Abuse

The term "flying monkeys" may seem strange at first, but it perfectly encapsulates the way narcissists use others to control, manipulate, and undermine their victims. If you’ve ever felt like your reality was being distorted by others, or if you’ve been alienated from friends and family who seemed to defend a narcissist, you may have encountered a flying monkey.

But the key is to recognize the manipulation and take steps to protect yourself. By setting boundaries, trusting your reality, and seeking support, you can break free from the toxic grip of narcissistic abuse and reclaim your life.

Remember, you are not alone. Narcissists may have their flying monkeys, but you have the power to take back control of your narrative.