Why Was I Always Fighting to Prove I Was Enough in a Narcissistic Relationship?

The Struggle to Feel Enough

I’ve always believed that hard work should be acknowledged. Whether it’s putting in the extra hours to study for a test or staying late to help a friend, I wanted to hear someone say, “You did a great job!” But in a narcissistic relationship, I found that my efforts often went unnoticed, and I was left questioning myself.

In that relationship, I constantly fought to prove I was enough. I tried to meet expectations that seemed to shift with no clear goal. But no matter how much I gave, it never seemed to be enough. And the deeper I got into this relationship, the more I realized that this wasn't just about doing enough—it was about trying to fulfill an impossible standard set by someone who would never truly appreciate me for who I was.

The Cycle of Unmet Expectations

In my experience, narcissistic relationships are all about control, manipulation, and setting unrealistically high standards that are never meant to be met. When I look back, I can see how the cycle played out:

1. I would try to meet their expectations.

2. I would give everything, all of my energy and love.

3. They would praise me for a moment, then immediately criticize something small.

4. I would feel hurt, confused, and unworthy, so I’d try harder.

It wasn’t just about the effort I put in; it was about the constant emotional gaslighting and the pressure to be someone I wasn’t. I remember moments when I thought I’d finally earned their approval, only to be met with a cold response or a demand for more. It was exhausting, and it left me questioning my worth every single day.

The Weight of Emotional Manipulation

There’s something about emotional manipulation that’s so subtle yet so powerful. It’s hard to describe the feeling of being constantly criticized, but it goes beyond just words. It’s the way the criticism is delivered with just the right mix of charm and devaluation. You’re left feeling like you’re the problem. You think, “If I just tried harder, maybe they’d see how much I care.”

But the reality is, no matter how much I tried, it was never going to be enough. There were times when they would make me believe that it was my fault for not understanding their needs. I remember feeling guilty for not being able to read their mind, for not seeing their emotional cues that were never even there.    

I was stuck in a cycle of doubt, confusion, and self-blame, and I thought it was my fault. It felt like I had to prove myself to them every minute of every day, just to feel seen.

How Narcissistic Abuse Creates the Feeling of Never Being Enough

The hardest part about being in a narcissistic relationship is the emotional rollercoaster. I found myself giving more and more, thinking that the next act of love or kindness would be the one that finally earned me the validation I was seeking. But in the end, it was never about me. It was about them and their need to feel superior.

Narcissistic abuse isn’t always overt. It doesn’t always come in the form of harsh words or screaming matches. Often, it’s more subtle. The constant devaluation, the shifting goalposts, and the never-ending emotional highs and lows left me feeling like I was walking on eggshells all the time.

I remember once staying up late just to get a project done for them, thinking that if I could show how dedicated I was, I’d finally get the approval I longed for. When I handed it to them, the first thing they said was, “This isn’t good enough. You can do better next time.” And that was it. No praise, no acknowledgment of the time and effort I’d spent.

Perfectionism as a Response to Narcissistic Abuse

Over time, I became a perfectionist. I wanted to get things exactly right, because I believed that perfection would finally get me the validation I needed. But perfection was an impossible standard to reach. There was always something that could be better, and I never felt like I had done enough.

I found myself obsessed with trying to be perfect, thinking that if I just did everything right, I would get the acknowledgment I craved. But it was exhausting. It wasn’t just about improving—it was about constantly fixing things that I had already done, even when they were perfectly fine. It was an endless cycle of trying to measure up to an ideal that no one could ever live up to.

Feeling Invisible in a Narcissistic Relationship

The feeling of invisibility is something that I’ll never forget. No matter how much I tried, I always felt like I was invisible to them. I could do something amazing, something that should have earned me recognition, and it would go unnoticed.

It wasn’t just about the small things; it was the emotional neglect that weighed on me. The feeling that no matter how much I gave, I would never get the validation I needed. It made me feel like I was invisible, like I was just a tool for their own personal gain.

The Toll It Took on My Self-Worth

Living with this constant cycle of emotional manipulation and self-doubt took a toll on my self-worth. I began to question whether I was truly capable of doing anything right. It felt like my worth was constantly tied to someone else's approval, and I wasn’t sure who I was anymore.

I found myself comparing myself to others, wondering why they seemed to get validation so easily, while I was left empty. It wasn’t just about my relationship; it seeped into other areas of my life. My friendships, my career, my hobbies—everything felt like it lacked value.

Breaking the Cycle: Rediscovering My Self-Worth

After so much pain and confusion, I realized that I couldn’t keep living like this. I couldn’t keep fighting to prove I was enough to someone who would never truly see me for who I was. The journey to healing wasn’t easy, but I had to start by rediscovering my own worth.

The first step was recognizing that my value wasn’t determined by someone else’s perception of me. I had to start seeing myself for who I truly was, flaws and all. I began to practice self-compassion, reminding myself that I didn’t need to be perfect to be worthy of love and respect.

I also had to learn how to validate myself. I couldn’t rely on someone else to fill that void anymore. When I felt like I wasn’t enough, I would look at the things I had accomplished and remind myself that my worth wasn’t tied to external approval.

Letting Go of the Need for External Validation

One of the most difficult things to do was letting go of the need for external validation. I realized that I didn’t need someone else to tell me that I was enough. It was a difficult pill to swallow, but I had to understand that I could validate myself.

In doing so, I began to break free from the narcissistic cycle. I stopped seeking approval from others and started giving myself the love and respect I had always sought from someone else.

Healing and Moving Forward

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a process, and I’m still on that journey. But what I’ve learned is that I am enough. I don’t need to fight to prove my worth to anyone. I don’t need to exhaust myself trying to live up to someone else’s standards. I am worthy of love, respect, and happiness, just as I am.

Conclusion: You Are Enough

So, if you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt like you’re not enough, I want you to know that you are. You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. Your worth isn’t defined by someone else’s approval, and you don’t have to fight to feel seen. You are enough, exactly as you are.

If you’re in a relationship where you feel like you’re constantly trying to prove your worth, know that you deserve better. You deserve someone who sees you, appreciates you, and values you for who you are. You don’t have to keep fighting to be enough.

Related Readings/References:

• How Narcissists Manipulate and Gaslight: A Comprehensive Guide

• Regain Your Sense of Self After Narcissistic Abuse 

Quote:

"The most common form of abuse in a narcissistic relationship is not the physical violence, but the silent destruction of your self-worth." - Dr. Ramani Durvasula