If you've ever found yourself in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, you may have felt confused, trapped, or emotionally drained. You might even ask yourself, “Why did this happen to me?” The reality is that narcissists are highly skilled at recognizing individuals who have a deep-seated desire to help, fix, or take care of others. People who fall into the “giver” or “fixer” categories are prime targets for narcissists because they can be manipulated to fulfill the narcissist's emotional and personal needs.
Being a giver means you’re often selfless, compassionate, and always striving to make others feel loved and supported. You take pride in putting others first, believing that everyone deserves kindness, even when it isn’t returned. A fixer, on the other hand, believes it’s their job to heal or rescue people, especially those who appear broken or vulnerable. These personality traits are rooted in empathy, and while they are beautiful qualities in healthy relationships, they can unfortunately be exploited by individuals with narcissistic tendencies.
The question arises: Why do narcissists specifically target people with these characteristics? Narcissists often lack empathy and view relationships as transactional rather than mutual. When they see someone who is willing to give and fix, they see an opportunity to extract emotional, financial, or personal benefits without ever offering anything in return. In this article, we will dive deeper into the psychological reasons narcissists prey on givers and fixers, explore how to recognize the signs of narcissistic manipulation, and offer actionable strategies to break free from this toxic cycle.
“When you are a giver, the danger lies in giving too much of yourself and forgetting that your needs matter too.” – Unknown
Why Do Narcissists Target Givers and Fixers?
Narcissists are master manipulators who thrive on control, admiration, and the ability to dominate others emotionally and psychologically. One of the key reasons they target specific individuals is because they can exploit their vulnerabilities. Givers and fixers are particularly susceptible to narcissistic manipulation because of their inherent traits that make them easy to control, whether knowingly or unknowingly. Givers and fixers are typically kind-hearted, empathetic, and emotionally available, which makes them ideal targets for narcissists who are seeking constant validation and emotional resources.
1. Givers Have an Innate Desire to Please Others
At the core of the giver personality is an innate desire to make others happy. Givers are often extremely empathetic, compassionate, and caring individuals who find joy in helping those around them. For givers, there is a deep emotional satisfaction that comes from making someone else feel valued, heard, and supported. Givers tend to put others first, sometimes to the detriment of their own emotional and physical well-being.
Narcissists, on the other hand, are primarily concerned with their own needs and emotions. They do not experience the same level of empathy or concern for others' feelings, so they are naturally drawn to individuals who possess an abundance of it. When a narcissist identifies a giver, they recognize someone who is willing to sacrifice their own needs to take care of theirs. Narcissists understand that they can manipulate this trait to their advantage, ensuring that the giver continues to provide emotional labor, validation, and resources without ever reciprocating.
Example: Imagine you are in a relationship with a narcissist who constantly demands attention and support, but never offers anything in return. You may find yourself constantly bending over backward to accommodate their needs, ignoring your own, all in the name of keeping the peace or ensuring that they’re happy. The narcissist, in turn, thrives on your need to please them, continuing to extract from you without any genuine emotional exchange.
2. Fixers Want to “Save” Others
People with a “fixer” mentality feel deeply responsible for the well-being of others. They often perceive themselves as healers or problem-solvers, believing that they can make a significant impact on someone's life by helping them overcome their struggles. The fixer personality can be driven by a combination of empathy and an almost compulsive need to solve problems or improve situations.
Narcissists are adept at recognizing this mindset in others, and they often exploit fixers by portraying themselves as broken, misunderstood, or in need of rescue. They present a narrative of being damaged or victimized, which triggers the fixer’s desire to step in and “save” them. A narcissist may constantly talk about their past struggles, emotional wounds, or how others have wronged them, painting themselves as the victim of life’s circumstances. The fixer then feels a deep sense of duty to repair their situation, believing that if they just try hard enough, they can make things better.
However, this is an illusion. Narcissists rarely, if ever, want to change. They may feign vulnerability or put on a facade of needing help, but the truth is, they thrive on chaos and control. A fixer who continues to invest in trying to save someone who cannot be saved often ends up feeling drained, unappreciated, and stuck in an endless cycle of emotional depletion.
Example: A narcissistic partner might say, "No one understands me the way you do. You're the only one who can help me," pulling the fixer into their emotional mess. The fixer, driven by a need to help, becomes entangled in the narcissist’s narrative and invests emotionally in a relationship that offers no true growth or mutual benefit.
“A fixer sees potential in others, but narcissists only see an opportunity to drain and control.” – Unknown
3. Givers and Fixers Often Have Low Self-Worth
One common thread between many givers and fixers is a tendency to undervalue themselves or their own needs. Givers may feel that their self-worth is directly tied to how much they can give to others, leading them to neglect their own well-being. Similarly, fixers often tie their identity and value to their ability to help others, which can lead to a sense of inadequacy if they are unable to “fix” a narcissist.
Narcissists, being highly skilled in identifying weaknesses, can sense this low self-esteem and use it to their advantage. They will often offer praise or compliments early on in the relationship to feed the giver’s ego and make them feel important. But these compliments are often manipulative, designed to reinforce the idea that the giver’s value comes from being of service to others. Over time, this makes it easier for the narcissist to demand more and more from the giver while offering little or nothing in return.
The fixer, similarly, may believe that their ability to fix others is what makes them valuable or worthy of love. The narcissist, knowing this, may reinforce the idea that the fixer is special and capable of healing them. However, the narcissist will never acknowledge the fixer’s needs or reciprocate the care they receive. This reinforces the fixer’s belief that their worth is contingent on taking care of others, thus keeping them trapped in the toxic cycle.
Example: A narcissist might say to a fixer, “You’re the only person who truly gets me. I need you. You’re my salvation.” This feeds the fixer’s belief that their worth is tied to their ability to help, making it more difficult for them to recognize the emotional manipulation at play.
4. Narcissists Thrive on Control and Power
At their core, narcissists are driven by a need for control and power over others. They view people not as equals but as tools to be used for their own benefit. The giver and fixer personalities are especially appealing to narcissists because these individuals tend to be highly empathetic, emotionally available, and self-sacrificing. Narcissists can manipulate these traits to create a dynamic where the giver or fixer is constantly putting others' needs ahead of their own, without expecting anything in return.
For a narcissist, the ability to manipulate someone into constantly giving or fixing is a form of power. It allows them to remain at the center of attention, with their needs always coming first. In this dynamic, the narcissist maintains control, while the giver or fixer is left feeling emotionally drained, confused, and often questioning their own worth.
Example: A narcissist may use subtle emotional manipulation tactics to make the giver feel responsible for their emotional state, leading them to cater to their every need. Over time, this dynamic reinforces the narcissist’s sense of superiority, as they are able to control the giver’s behavior through guilt, emotional manipulation, and dependency.
5. Narcissists Exploit the Giver’s and Fixer’s Fear of Rejection
Both givers and fixers often have a deep fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear is rooted in their desire to be needed and loved by others. Narcissists are keenly aware of this vulnerability and use it to their advantage. They know that givers and fixers will go to great lengths to avoid rejection, often sacrificing their own happiness and well-being in the process.
A narcissist may use tactics like intermittent reinforcement (offering occasional affection or praise followed by periods of emotional withdrawal) to keep the giver or fixer on edge. This creates a cycle where the giver or fixer is constantly seeking approval, validation, and reassurance from the narcissist, but can never fully satisfy their needs. The fear of rejection is used as a tool of control, ensuring that the giver or fixer remains emotionally attached and invested in the relationship.
Example: A narcissist may shower you with affection and praise one day, only to withdraw emotionally the next. This back-and-forth creates confusion and uncertainty in the giver or fixer, as they constantly try to win back the narcissist’s approval, never realizing that the narcissist’s behavior is designed to keep them emotionally hooked.
6. Givers and Fixers Are Often Codependent
Codependency is a relationship dynamic where one person’s emotional well-being becomes overly dependent on the other person’s needs. Givers and fixers often fall into codependent patterns because they derive their sense of purpose and self-worth from taking care of others. This can make them especially vulnerable to narcissistic abuse because narcissists are skilled at exploiting this codependent behavior.
Narcissists take advantage of codependency by reinforcing the belief that the giver or fixer is responsible for their happiness and success. They often manipulate their partner into believing that without them, the narcissist would be lost or incapable of functioning. Over time, this creates an unhealthy dynamic where the giver or fixer feels like they are obligated to continue helping, even at the cost of their own emotional and mental health.
Example: In a codependent relationship with a narcissist, the giver or fixer may feel like they can’t leave because the narcissist will fall apart without them. The narcissist, aware of this, will continue to manipulate the situation to ensure that the giver feels obligated to stay, feeding into their own sense of importance and control.
Conclusion
Narcissists are drawn to givers and fixers because they are easily manipulated and controlled. The traits that make givers and fixers empathetic and compassionate are the very traits that narcissists exploit to maintain power and control in a relationship. By recognizing these patterns and understanding why narcissists target individuals with these traits, you can begin to break free from the toxic cycle and protect yourself from future manipulation. Setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support are essential steps in reclaiming your emotional well-being and breaking free from the narcissist’s grip.
Internal Resources on Narcissism and Narcissistic Manipulation:
Understanding Narcissism: Core Traits and Red Flags
"If you're curious about the psychological traits of narcissists and how to spot red flags early, check out our detailed post on Understanding Narcissism: Core Traits and Red Flags."-
How Narcissists Exploit Empaths and Givers
"Narcissists are drawn to empathetic individuals. To learn why they target givers and fixers, read our article on How Narcissists Exploit Empaths and Givers." -
Setting Boundaries with Narcissists
"Setting healthy boundaries is essential in any relationship with a narcissist. Explore actionable strategies in our post on Setting Boundaries with Narcissists."
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