I’ve been there. In the midst of a relationship that seemed perfect one moment, but the next left me questioning everything. The love and affection I received seemed endless, but so did the emotional pain. The inconsistencies in how I was treated—sometimes adored, sometimes discarded—were unsettling, yet I stayed. How did I get stuck in this cycle? How did they keep me coming back for more?
In this blog, I’m going to take you through the cycle of manipulation narcissists use to keep their partners trapped. From love bombing to sudden cruelty, then pulling you back in with kindness, this emotional yo-yo can feel impossible to break free from. But understanding the tactics they use and how they play with your emotions is the first step toward escaping the web they’ve woven around you.
The only way to break free from the cycle is to realize your worth and never settle for less than what you truly deserve.
The Beginning: The Charisma and the Illusion
It all started with him. The first time I met him, he seemed like everything I had been waiting for. He was charming, attentive, and seemed to understand me in ways that no one else had. In the early days, I was swept off my feet by his compliments, the attention, and the promises of a future we would share. I had never felt so seen, so important.
Narcissists are masters of illusion. They love bomb you with such intensity that you feel like you are the center of their world. Their compliments, their affections, their promises of a bright future—they all create an idealized version of the relationship. For a while, I basked in the affection. I thought I had found my soulmate, someone who was just as invested in me as I was in them. It was intoxicating. Their ability to make you feel special, chosen, and loved is something so seductive, so irresistible, that it can easily keep you in their grip.
This is what narcissists do—they love bomb. They overwhelm you with affection, making you feel like you are the center of their world. This intense attention is often mistaken for true love, and it hooks you in deeper. You feel validated, seen, and, in a strange way, you start thinking this is what you’ve always deserved.
You see, narcissists are skilled at identifying your emotional needs and presenting themselves as the perfect match. They feed your ego, often telling you things like “I’ve never met anyone like you” or “I can’t imagine my life without you.” These words make you feel unique and cherished, but in reality, they are tools to gain control over you. The more they praise you, the more they create an illusion of a perfect, idealistic relationship. For a while, I was caught up in this perfect illusion. But, as all illusions go, it eventually started to fade.
The Shift: Subtle Devaluation and the Beginning of Doubt
Once they have you hooked, the narcissist begins the slow process of devaluing you. They stop giving you the attention they once did, and the small acts of kindness fade. At first, the changes are subtle—like a missed call or a delayed reply. But soon, they begin criticizing you in ways that make you doubt yourself. They may call you overly sensitive or accuse you of overreacting. They might belittle your achievements or make you feel small and insignificant.
I started noticing his comments becoming more biting. “You really think you can do that?” he said when I was talking about my goals. “You’re too emotional, it’s hard to talk to you sometimes,” he remarked after a disagreement. These words stung, but I brushed them off, convincing myself that maybe I was being too sensitive.
The narcissist doesn’t just criticize you directly—they make you feel as though your feelings don’t matter. They manipulate you into questioning your reality. They want you to feel like you’re the problem, not them. This is when the first seeds of doubt begin to take root.
But as time went on, the emotional dissonance grew. The kindness I had once received felt like a distant memory, and his attitude became colder, more critical. The love I thought was real started to feel like a manipulation tactic. And yet, just as I was about to give up, he’d do something—say something—so kind, so seemingly genuine that it would pull me back in.
The Push and Pull: The Narcissist’s Favorite Tactic
This is where the true manipulation begins: the emotional push and pull. A narcissist thrives on creating confusion and uncertainty. They’ll pull you close with an act of kindness, and then push you away with coldness or cruelty. This creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows, where you constantly question your feelings and whether the relationship is worth the pain.
It’s a pattern that looks like this: you’re treated with kindness and affection one day, and the next, you’re abandoned or emotionally neglected. This back-and-forth is incredibly destabilizing. You begin to question whether the problem lies with you. You wonder if it’s something you’re doing wrong or whether you’re somehow responsible for their behavior. It’s the narcissist’s way of keeping you off balance, constantly chasing after affection that may or may not come.
Love should be the calm in your storm, not the storm itself.
I remember once after a particularly harsh argument, I told him I was done. I couldn’t take the emotional rollercoaster anymore. But then, out of nowhere, he sent me a message saying, “I’m sorry. I can’t lose you. I need you.” And in that moment, everything I had been feeling—the anger, the hurt—melted away. I went back to him, convinced that things could get better. I thought, “Maybe he’s just struggling. Maybe I’m overreacting.”
This is exactly what narcissists want. They don’t want stability or real love; they want control. The act of love bombing followed by devaluation and the unpredictable kindness creates a psychological trap. You never know when the next “good moment” will come, so you stay, hoping for it. It’s like a slot machine—each time you pull the lever, you’re waiting for the jackpot. But the payout is never as big as the wait.
The Trauma Bond: Why You Can’t Walk Away
When you’re in a narcissistic relationship, you develop something called a trauma bond. This bond forms because the narcissist keeps you in a state of emotional chaos, making you dependent on their intermittent affection. Over time, you start to associate the pain with the “good times,” believing that if you endure the hurt, you’ll be rewarded again. This pattern is incredibly hard to break because the brain becomes conditioned to expect love and validation from the same source that causes pain.
I had my own trauma bond. Despite everything, despite the hurtful comments and the emotional exhaustion, I kept going back because I believed the love and kindness I received in those rare moments was enough. I thought maybe if I just stayed a little longer, he’d change. Maybe if I loved him harder, he would finally see how much I cared. But all I was doing was reinforcing the cycle.
The bond is reinforced by the emotional rollercoaster. You begin to expect the highs that come with the lows. It’s a painful addiction. Even when you realize that things aren’t right, the thought of walking away feels more impossible than ever. Narcissists know this. They use the emotional highs to keep you hooked, making it even harder to break free.
The Realization: Breaking Free from the Narcissist’s Trap
It took years for me to realize that the so-called love I was receiving wasn’t love at all. It was manipulation. The moments of kindness were not genuine; they were tools used to keep me hooked. The manipulation was so insidious that I couldn’t see it for what it was until I started educating myself about narcissistic abuse.
The turning point came when I realized something crucial: if you have to constantly question your worth, if you are emotionally drained after spending time with someone, if you are living in a state of confusion, then it’s not love. Love should feel safe. It should feel steady, not like an emotional rollercoaster. I began to see that the love I thought I was receiving was conditional and designed to keep me from leaving.
How to Break Free: Steps to Take When You’re Ready to Leave
Leaving a narcissist is never easy. The push and pull can be overwhelming, and the fear of being alone or unloved can keep you trapped. But it is possible to break free, and it starts with recognizing the manipulation for what it is.
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Educate Yourself: Learn about narcissistic abuse. Understanding the tactics they use can empower you to see the truth behind their actions.
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Set Boundaries: Start setting clear boundaries with the narcissist. If they violate these boundaries, it’s a sign that they are not respecting your emotional well-being.
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Seek Support: Therapy can help you process your emotions and heal from the trauma bond. Talking to others who have been through similar experiences can offer valuable insights and support.
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Go No Contact: The only way to truly heal is to go no contact. This may be difficult, especially if the narcissist tries to reach out, but it is necessary for your emotional recovery.
Final Thoughts: You Deserve Real Love
Looking back, I realize now that what I thought was love was nothing more than a mirage. Real love doesn’t feel like a trap. It doesn’t make you doubt your worth or question your emotions. True love is steady, supportive, and nurturing. It doesn’t come with emotional highs and lows. It doesn’t keep you in a constant state of uncertainty.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, know that you are not alone. There is help available, and there is a way out. You deserve a love that is genuine, consistent, and empowering. You deserve more than the emotional chaos and manipulation.
Resources for Support
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Psychology Today – Find a therapist near you
It’s time to break free from the narcissist’s web. You deserve peace, freedom, and a love that truly lifts you up.
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