Whispering to Myself: Finding Freedom Beyond Approval

 

Introduction

After leaving the controlling environment behind, I thought freedom would feel immediate. But I quickly realized that even in absence, the voice of someone else’s approval lingered—whispering in my mind: “Are you doing the right thing? Should you rest? Should you speak?” It’s strange how control can survive in silence, how codependency trains you to seek validation instead of listening to your own intuition.

For a long time, I didn’t realize that healing was less about escaping others and more about learning to give myself permission—to rest when tired, to change my mind, to feel my emotions fully without shame. Each small act of self-approval felt revolutionary, a quiet rebellion against a lifetime of conditioned obedience.

Through this journey with Recovering Me: Healing After Narcissistic Abuse, I’ve learned that freedom isn’t announced with applause. It begins in whispers: the gentle, patient voice inside that says, “You are allowed to exist as you are.” It’s in these moments of self-acceptance that I discovered courage—not the loud, visible kind, but a quiet courage that grows steadily with each choice made from inner trust.

In this blog, I want to share my experiences, emotional challenges, and insights that helped me move from seeking permission to reclaiming my voice. I hope these reflections guide anyone navigating the subtle yet powerful aftermath of narcissistic control.

The Lingering Need for Approval 

Even after leaving, I noticed how much I still depended on external validation. Simple decisions—taking a break, voicing an opinion, saying “no”—felt loaded with the fear of judgment. I caught myself constantly asking, “Will this be acceptable? Am I doing it right?”

This need for approval is common in survivors of narcissistic abuse. We’ve been conditioned to prioritize another person’s perception over our own needs. The danger is that the pattern continues long after the abuser is gone. You might think, “I should feel confident by now”, but your mind quietly reminds you of all the times your voice was dismissed or punished.

I began noticing how my body responded: tension in my shoulders, a racing heart when making small choices, self-doubt creeping in. Healing, I realized, wasn’t about pushing past these feelings quickly—it was about sitting with them, acknowledging them, and giving myself permission to act anyway.

Each small decision I made without seeking external approval became a step toward reclaiming my autonomy. Over time, these tiny victories accumulated, building confidence and a sense of freedom I hadn’t experienced before. Read Learning to Live Without Constant Permission Again

Learning to Give Yourself Permission 

Giving myself permission became a radical act of self-care. For the first time, I allowed myself to:

• Rest without guilt: Understanding that taking time for myself is not selfish.

• Change my mind: Accepting that I am allowed to make mistakes and course-correct.

• Feel fully: Letting emotions arise without labeling them as “wrong” or “too much.”

I discovered that permission isn’t a one-time event; it’s a continuous practice. Every day, I had to remind myself, “I am allowed to choose for me.” Sometimes, this meant quiet internal whispers. Other times, it was aloud, stating my boundaries to family, friends, or colleagues for the first time.

Through journaling and reflection, I tracked moments where I sought approval unnecessarily and replaced them with affirmations: “I trust my instincts” or “I can make this choice without asking permission.” These exercises reinforced a sense of inner authority, which slowly replaced the habit of external validation.  Read Identify Judgmental Words and Reclaim Emotional Peace

Navigating Emotional Resistance 

Even with practice, old patterns surfaced. Guilt, fear, and anxiety sometimes overwhelmed me. I noticed thoughts like, “Maybe I shouldn’t speak up” or “They might think I’m selfish.”

I learned that resistance is a sign of growth. It shows where our codependency still lingers. Instead of fighting these feelings, I began observing them with compassion, asking: “What am I afraid of? Why does this old pattern still feel real?”

I also discovered the importance of self-validation. When external affirmation wasn’t available, I silently acknowledged my choices: “I acted with integrity and care” or “I honored my needs even though it was uncomfortable.” Each time I did this, my confidence strengthened, and the hold of old patterns loosened.

Healing is not linear. Some days feel like progress, others feel like setbacks. But by giving yourself permission, you create a foundation for emotional freedom that no one else can take away.

Reclaiming Your Voice in Relationships 

Rebuilding trust in yourself naturally extends to relationships. I learned that my voice matters, and speaking it is an act of reclaiming power. This doesn’t mean confrontation or conflict—it means expressing boundaries, needs, and opinions authentically.

I began experimenting with small interactions: saying “no” to requests I didn’t want to fulfill, expressing my feelings honestly, and letting others see my vulnerabilities without shame. Each act was a subtle yet profound reclaiming of agency.

I noticed that relationships also shifted. People who respected my voice became closer, while those who thrived on control or judgment gradually faded. By trusting myself, I created an environment where authentic connections could flourish.

Read How the Nervous System Stores Emotional Memory

Daily Practices to Support Self-Permission

Here are some practices that helped me reclaim my voice and emotional freedom:

1. Morning affirmations – Remind yourself that you are allowed to make your own choices.

2. Journaling reflections – Track moments when you sought approval and rewrite them with self-validation.

3. Mindful pauses – Before responding to someone, check in: “Am I speaking from my truth or seeking approval?”

4. Breathing exercises – Release tension and fear that often accompany codependent habits.

5. Celebrate small victories – Every choice made from self-trust strengthens your autonomy.

Consistency in these practices gradually builds a sense of internal authority and emotional calm.

Read more  Your Nervous System Needs Safety: Reclaim Calm from Within 

Conclusion 

Reclaiming your voice after narcissistic abuse is not about loud declarations or dramatic transformations. It’s about quiet courage—listening to your own whispers and acting on them. The journey involves noticing the lingering need for approval, giving yourself permission to feel and choose freely, and navigating emotional resistance with compassion.

Over time, these practices rebuild trust in yourself, restore boundaries, and create the foundation for authentic, empowered relationships. Healing is a gradual, intimate process, but each act of self-permission—every time you trust your voice—brings freedom.

Remember: you are allowed to exist fully, speak your truth, and honor your feelings. No one else’s approval is required for your growth, peace, or happiness.

3 Key Takeaways

1. Healing begins with giving yourself permission—to rest, feel, and make decisions without external approval.

2. Observing and reframing moments of codependency strengthens self-trust and emotional resilience.

3. Reclaiming your voice fosters authentic relationships and lasting inner freedom.