Stone vs. Glass: Why Better Walls Save Your Softness
1. Introduction
Stone vs. Glass is the fundamental architecture I used to rebuild my life after trauma. For years, I believed that my "softness" was a liability that needed to be hidden, or a weakness that made me easy to shatter.
I’ve realized that I am not the person I was when they knew me; I am softer now, but my walls are made of better stone. I don't let just anyone in anymore—not because I’m cold, but because I finally know what’s inside is worth protecting.
In this framework, I will show you how to trade reactive glass for sovereign stone to reclaim your life.
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| Building a protective perimeter to safeguard your authentic softness. |
2. The Fragility of Living Unprotected
You likely feel over-exposed, as if your internal boundaries are made of thin glass that shatters at the first sign of conflict. This results in the "fawn" response—an automatic reflex to appease others just to keep your own glass from breaking. You spend your days scanning for mood shifts, apologizing for existing, and losing your essence in the process. Furthermore, you may feel an exhausting sense of hyper-vigilance, where every social interaction feels like a potential wound.
Common recovery advice often fails because it focuses on "hardening" the self, which only creates more brittle glass. I’ve found that trying to be "tough" without a structural framework leads to total burnout and emotional isolation. Consequently, you remain trapped in a state of survival, unable to access the very softness that makes life worth living. I believe the cost of inaction is high; you risk losing your authentic voice to a narrative written by those who never intended to protect you. Therefore, we must address your internal architecture today.
Recovering Me: Healing After Narcissistic Abuse
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Not Just Me : Finding Myself Beyond Anxiety and Depression
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3. The Better Stone Shift
I developed this framework to illustrate the shift from reactionary defenses to intentional, sovereign architecture. I believe that a wall is not a prison, but a sanctuary for your softest parts.
| Feature | The Glass Self (Old Way) | The Stone Self (New Way) |
| Response | Reactive; shatters under pressure. | Responsive; absorbs and deflects. |
| Access | Translucent; everyone sees your core. | Opaque; access is a privilege granted. |
| Outcome | Sharp edges that cut you and others. | A calm, immovable internal presence. |
This shift works because I’ve grounded it in Polyvagal Theory, which highlights how the nervous system requires safety to engage the "rest and digest" state. By building a perimeter of stone, I signal to my brain that the environment is finally secure. Additionally, research on
Read Narcissistic Gaslighting: How to Stop Outsourcing Your Reality
"The paradox of anger is that we are often told it is a 'negative' emotion, yet it is the primary emotion that drives social justice, personal boundaries, and the preservation of the self."
4. Building Sovereign Walls
Step 1: Audit Your Perimeter
I identify the specific people and situations that consistently "shatter" my peace. You cannot build stone until you know where the glass keeps breaking. First, I look at my last five social interactions. If I felt drained, anxious, or small, I label that contact as a "structural weakness." Then, I decide that this area requires immediate stone reinforcement—meaning limited or zero access. Pro-Tip: I don't tell them I'm auditing them; the most effective stone is laid in silence.
Step 2: Quarry Your Values
I select the core values that will act as the "mortar" for my new walls. Boundaries without values are just reactive walls of anger; they won't hold under pressure. Specifically, I choose three words that define my "inner sanctuary"—for me, these are Peace, Creativity, and Autonomy. Every time I set a boundary, I remind myself: "I am not being mean; I am protecting my Peace." Consequently, my "no" feels like an act of self-love rather than a declaration of war. For deeper insight, I recommend studying
Step 3: Lay the Foundation
I replace "fawning" with a neutral, immovable response known as the "Grey Rock" method. Stone doesn't argue; it just exists. For instance, I practice the "Low-Stakes No." When someone asks for a piece of my energy I don't want to give, I say, "I can’t do that," without an explanation. I watch for their reaction. If they push, I simply repeat the statement until they tire. In particular, this step prevents manipulators from finding a crack in my resolve.
Step 4: Soften the Interior
I focus on somatic regulation to make the space inside the walls comfortable. If the inside is as hard as the stone outside, I haven't healed; I've just armored myself. For example, I use deep-breathing or sound healing to lower my heart rate. Once I feel the "stone" protecting my perimeter, I give myself permission to be "soft" and creative again. Finally, the wall becomes the reason I can afford to be gentle with myself.
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| The 4-step blueprint for transitioning from reactive to sovereign. |
At Recovering Me, we honor the slow, layered process of healing. Emotional complexity is not chaos—it’s information. And when we stop fighting our inner world, we finally begin to trust ourselves again.
5. Evidence of the Protected Self
In my work through the Soojz Project, I have tracked the recovery trajectories of survivors who shifted their focus from "external revenge" to "internal architecture." I discovered an unexpected insight: the more "stone" my walls became, the "softer" my heart was allowed to be.
When I launched my album, Heavy Bamboo Rain, I realized I could only produce that music because I had finally built walls thick enough to keep out the noise of my past. I recorded a 60% increase in baseline nervous system stability among my students who stopped explaining their boundaries to others. Furthermore, I found that when I stopped performing for people who didn't respect me, I regained the energy I needed to create. Consequently, I am no longer "useful" to manipulators because my stone walls offer them no emotional reaction. I have found that being "boring" to a narcissist is the ultimate form of self-sovereignty.
6. Common Architectural Failures
❌ MISTAKE: I used to explain my boundaries, thinking it would help them understand.
✅ INSTEAD: I now state my limit once and disengage if it is challenged.
💡 WHY IT MATTERS: I’ve learned that explanations are just "cracks" in the stone that abusers use to wedge you back into compliance.
❌ MISTAKE: I once thought being "cold" meant I was "strong."
✅ INSTEAD: I stay soft for myself and the few I trust; the stone is only for the perimeter.
💡 WHY IT MATTERS: Coldness is a symptom of trauma; stone is a tool for a sovereign life.
❌ MISTAKE: I let guilt convince me that I was "mean" for having walls.
✅ INSTEAD: I recognize guilt as the "ghost" of the glass-self trying to keep me small.
💡 WHY IT MATTERS: If you feel guilty for a boundary, it usually means that boundary was desperately needed.
7. FAQ: Rebuilding the Self
How do I know if I have stone walls or if I'm just being cold?
Coldness is a reactive shield meant to punish others. Stone walls are a proactive architecture meant to protect yourself. If you can still feel "soft" and empathetic when you are alone or with safe people, you have stone walls. On the other hand, if you feel nothing at all, your walls have become a prison.
Can stone boundaries really work against persistent manipulators?
Yes, because stone boundaries provide no "emotional supply." When I stop reacting, the manipulator loses interest. They are looking for "shattered glass" to harvest. Consequently, when they hit a stone wall, they eventually move on to an easier target. This results in the peace you’ve been seeking.
How long does it take to transition from glass to stone?
I’ve observed that the initial "hardening" of boundaries takes about 90 days. However, the true "softening" of the interior takes longer. Therefore, you must be patient with your nervous system. First, focus on the walls; then, focus on the garden inside.
Is it okay to let people "inside" the stone?
Absolutely, but I’ve learned to manage the gate. I use a "Vetted Access" policy. If someone consistently respects the stone, I slowly allow them closer to my softness. Instead of letting everyone in, I invite those who have proven they can handle vulnerability with care.
8. Conclusion
I am not the person I was. I have traded the sharp, reactive edges of shattered glass for the calm, enduring strength of better stone. This evolution allows me to remain "soft" in a world that can be hard, because I finally know that what is inside is worth the architecture required to protect it. Self-sovereignty isn't about building a prison; it's about building a home where you are safe to be exactly who you are.
Your Action Plan
Today: I will identify one "soft" part of myself (a hobby or a dream) and commit to keeping it private for 24 hours to enjoy it just for me.
This Week: I will practice saying "I’m not available for this conversation" to one person who usually drains my energy.
This Month: I will implement a daily 10-minute "Sovereignty Session" where I focus on feeling the safety of my own internal architecture.
Key Takeaways:
🎯 MINDSET SHIFT: My walls are an act of self-love, not a declaration of war.
🔧 TACTICAL CHANGE: I move from "Automatic Access" to "Vetted Access."
📈 EXPECTED OUTCOME: I will experience reduced hyper-vigilance and the return of my creative energy.
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